And Now, For Something Completely Different

I found some awful Michael Jackson jokes.

Linky

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason whatsoever!!

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!

Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand !!

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!!

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand !!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy !!

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house!!

Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!!

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!

Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q:Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A:He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Q:What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A:The Kids in the Hall.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

`Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
~The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

`What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
~Foreplay.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.

`What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
~Blowing his first nose.

Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt onPepsi!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy someentertainment, what shall we do?". To which Debbie replied " I know we'll get a video".Michael then said " Great, Ill get Aladdin".Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have beenin trouble for that before"

`What's black and comes in little white cans?
~Michael Jackson`

What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
~Michael Jackson.

Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. --- you know in a few years they'll probably change his name to:The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby

Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father!

He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

`What do Michael Jackson & Michael Jordan have in common?
~They both play ball in the Minor League.

`What's the difference between them?
~One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.

`Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties?
~He was up to a pack a day.

`What happens when Michael talks about sex?
~It's all very tongue in cheek.

`What does Michael have in common with NASA?
~It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.

`What do Michael's ass and an LA jail have in common?
~Both hold the juice.

`What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
~A Michael Jackson slumber party.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

`What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
~Both ride 4 year olds.`

How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
~He has a lot of stuff in the can.

`What will they call Michael's new TV series?
~Anus and Andy.

I understand that Micheal decided to have a boy of his own because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 Million a pop.

`Who will Michael record his next album with?
~Les Brown.

`What do Michael and Mrs. Perot have in common?
~Both fuck little assholes.

`Why does Michael travel with a huge road crew?
~He always has a lot of shit to pack.

`Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
~He's tired of all the cracks.

`Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
~Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

`Why did Michael go to college?
~To get his Bachelor of Arse degree.

`Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
~He's a crack shooter.

`Why's Michael opening a sperm bank?
~He always has a shitload of semen.

`Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
~Emily Dick in son.

`What does Michael call an orgy?
~A fruit salad.

`What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
~A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.

`Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
~The big payoff comes a couple of months later.

`Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
~He has a lot to plug.

`What's the worst stain to try to remove from a little boy's underpants?
~Michael Jackson's makeup.

`Hear about the new "Michael Jackson" candy bar?
~It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts.

Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology":
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."

`What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
~Got two fives for a ten?`

What is Michael Jackson's Alma Matter?
~Bring-em Young.

`Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John?
~It is titled "Don't let your son go down on me."

`Why does Michael Jackson hide for a couple hours after one of his little friends leave?
~It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.

`What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
~Michael Jackson has had more noses.

`What did Michael Jackson suffer from as a kid?
~Clitoris envy.`

Why did Michael invite MacCauly Caulkin to the house?
~He's like the little boy he never had.

`Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
~He's a crack addict.

`What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
~"Little Boy Blew."

`Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
~Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.

`How did Michael get in trouble?
~He was feeling a little Randy.

`How is Michael dealing with his problems?
~He's holding his own.

`How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
~They're all standing behind him.

`How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
~It was just a slip of the tongue.

`What's sex like for Michael?
~Child's Play.

`How is Michael now?
~Feeling a little crotchety.

`Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
~It comes in a little can.

`Why does Michael like children so much?
~He knows how they feel.

`How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
~By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.

`What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Plastic bag?
~One is made out of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with and one is used to carry groceries.

`Why does Michael own a theme park?
~He's always been into children's shit.

`Did you hear Michael Jackson was running a "blue-light" special at a local K-Mart?
~Little boys' pants were half off!`

What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
~It's the little boy inside him.

`How does Michael like to party?
~He sips a couple of Tall Boys.

`What's Michael's favorite snack?
~Slim Jims.

`What's Michael's favorite fast food?
~Big Boys.

`How do we know Michael is guilty?
~Several children have fingered him.

`Why is Michael so tough?
~He can lick any kid on the block.

`What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
~"The Hand that Robs the Cradle."

`How will Michael pay off his old boyfriends?
~Liquefy some assets.

`What's the difference between Nixon and Michael Jackson?
~One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.

Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch. Hold the jacket off to the side. Then ask, "What's this?" "Dunno.""Michael Jackson helping a kid put his coat on."

`What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
~"Shit happens!"

McDonald's is bringing out a new burger ..."Micheal Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 yr old meat inside 5 yr old buns.

`WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HORSE RACING JOCKEY AND MICHAELJACKSON.
~A JOCKEY CAN MOUNT 3 YEAR OLDS LEGALLY.

`WHAT DID MICHAEL JACKSON SAY WHEN HE GOT BACK TO NEVERLAND RANCHFROM DRUG REHAB?
~ YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE A NEW BOY!

What are Michael Jackson's favorite sayings?
1) There's a sucker born every minute.
2) Kids do the darndest things.
3) Tricks are for kids.

`What's Michaels' next movie?
~Honey I Blew the Kid.

`What's Michaels' favorite group?
~New Kids on the Cock.

`What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
~Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.

`What's sex like for Michael?
~Like candy from a baby.

`What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from?
~Anal retention.

`What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common?
~Both are a pain in the ass to kids.

`What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
~Michael's been able to have kids.

`What's Michael's favorite dish?
~Creamed shrimp.

`Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
~He wants to spend more time with the kids.

`How are Michael's friends like U.S. veterans?
~They all get fucked in the end.

`How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
~Hire a Catholic priest to do it.

`What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson?
~"The African Queen."

`How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
~He's got children out the ass.

Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman are have come out with a new video called... "I'll beat it for you.

"`Why did Michael Jackson want to join the Branch Davidians?
~So he could be black again.

`How does Michael Jackson resemble the Cincinatti Reds?
~They're both whiter than they should be.

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both male and female."This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God blackor white?""Well, God is both black and white."This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations
Against Michael Jackson

1) Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind withher during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.
2) Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.
3) Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.
4) Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?
5) In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.
6) Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.
7) She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms werenot actually part of any real military organization.
8) He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughenup his image.
9) Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation.
10) Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.
11) The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his littlefriends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing shefell in love with.
12) She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.
13) Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn'thave kids THEY could marry.
14) Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.
15) She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.
16) He told her to "just beat it" one too many times
17) He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone"Hollywood".
18) She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parady of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.
19) He kept forgetting to put the top back on.
20) Irreconcilable similarities.

Say What You Need To Say

He knows who he is, and all I have to say to him is I know you're still reading this blog. If you have something to say, then say it. If you don't want to talk to me anymore, then say so. If you wanted to let things cool off, then say it. Don't ignore me.

He's Gone

Folks, I'm very sad to report this, but

Fred

has dropped out of the race.

I am still going to vote for him, though. I am going to grab the pen and write him in.

Something personal

This is something personal that I need to blog about, because it's really bothering me.

There is someone that I talk to on a regular basis that I haven't spoken to in almost two(!) weeks. This is not normal for him at all. A week, maybe, but two is way too long.

You know who you are, and I know you're reading this, so please, message me, leave a comment here, anything. Just let me hear from you. Don't be afraid, I'm not mad at you, I'm just getting worried about you.


Thank you.

Here it goes...

A friend of mine asked if I would post it for him, to see if he really wants to get back into the blogosphere.

Here goes nothing.

A Letter from Michael Moore


“To All My Fellow Americans Who Voted for George W. Bush:
On this, the fourth anniversary of 9/11, I'm just curious, how does it feel?
How does it feel to know that the man you elected to lead us after we were attacked went ahead and put a guy in charge of FEMA whose main qualification was that he ran horse shows?

That's right. Horse shows.

I really want to know -- and I ask you this in all sincerity and with all due respect -- how do you feel about the utter contempt Mr. Bush has shown for your safety? C'mon, give me just a moment of honesty. Don't start ranting on about how this disaster in New Orleans was the fault of one of the poorest cities in America. Put aside your hatred of Democrats and liberals and anyone with the last name of Clinton. Just look me in the eye and tell me our President did the right thing after 9/11 by naming a horse show runner as the top man to protect us in case of an emergency or catastrophe.

I want you to put aside your self-affixed label of Republican/conservative/born-again/capitalist/ditto-head/right-winger and just talk to me as an American, on the common ground we both call America.

Are we safer now than before 9/11? When you learn that behind the horse show runner, the #2 and #3 men in charge of emergency preparedness have zero experience in emergency preparedness, do you think we are safer?

When you look at Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security, a man with little experience in national security, do you feel secure?

When men who never served in the military and have never seen young men die in battle send our young people off to war, do you think they know how to conduct a war? Do they know what it means to have your legs blown off for a threat that was never there?

Do you really believe that turning over important government services to private corporations has resulted in better services for the people?

Why do you hate our federal government so much? You have voted for politicians for the past 25 years whose main goal has been to de-fund the federal government. Do you think that cutting federal programs like FEMA and the Army Corps of Engineers has been good or bad for America? GOOD OR BAD?

With the nation's debt at an all-time high, do you think tax cuts for the rich are still a good idea? Will you give yours back so hundreds of thousands of homeless in New Orleans can have a home?

Do you believe in Jesus? Really? Didn't he say that we would be judged by how we treat the least among us? Hurricane Katrina came in and blew off the facade that we were a nation with liberty and justice for all. The wind howled and the water rose and what was revealed was that the poor in America shall be left to suffer and die while the President of the United States fiddles and tells them to eat cake.

That's not a joke. The day the hurricane hit and the levees broke, Mr. Bush, John McCain and their rich pals were stuffing themselves with cake. A full day after the levees broke (the same levees whose repair funding he had cut), Mr. Bush was playing a guitar some country singer gave him. All this while New Orleans sank under water.

It would take ANOTHER day before the President would do a flyover in his jumbo jet, peeking out the window at the misery 2500 feet below him as he flew back to his second home in DC. It would then be TWO MORE DAYS before a trickle of federal aid and troops would arrive. This was no seven minutes in a sitting trance while children read "My Pet Goat" to him. This was FOUR DAYS of doing nothing other than saying "Brownie (FEMA director Michael Brown), you're doing a heck of a job!"

My Republican friends, does it bother you that we are the laughing stock of the world?

And on this sacred day of remembrance, do you think we honor or shame those who died on 9/11/01? If we learned nothing and find ourselves today every bit as vulnerable and unprepared as we were on that bright sunny morning, then did the 3,000 die in vain?

Our vulnerability is not just about dealing with terrorists or natural disasters. We are vulnerable and unsafe because we allow one in eight Americans to live in horrible poverty. We accept an education system where one in six children never graduate and most of those who do can't string a coherent sentence together. The middle class can't pay the mortgage or the hospital bills and 45 million have no health coverage whatsoever.

Are we safe? Do you really feel safe? You can only move so far out and build so many gated communities before the fruit of what you've sown will be crashing through your walls and demanding retribution. Do you really want to wait until that happens? Or is it your hope that if they are left alone long enough to soil themselves and shoot themselves and drown in the filth that fills the street that maybe the problem will somehow go away?

I know you know better. You gave the country and the world a man who wasn't up for the job and all he does is hire people who aren't up for the job. You did this to us, to the world, to the people of New Orleans. Please fix it. Bush is yours. And you know, for our peace and safety and security, this has to be fixed. What do you propose?

I have an idea, and it isn't a horse show.
Yours,
Michael Moore”
(http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/message/index.php?messageDate=2005-09-11)


I said I would do my best to answer his diatribe, and I will. I don't need to hide behind lies like Mr. Moore, I am happy to answer in my own words.

How do I feel on the 4th anniversary of 9/11? Well, pretty good, had a barbeque, watched some glorious baseball. (GO Cubbies!!!!) Went to work out in the early morning quiet and took time to reflect on the lives lost due to extreme assholes flying planes into buildings.

How does it feel to know that the man you elected to lead us after we were attacked went ahead and put a guy in charge of FEMA whose main qualification was that he ran horse shows? Well President Bush formally nominated him as deputy director on March 22, 2002, and the Senate confirmed him many months later. Uh, so that would be the Senate, write, call 'em, go get 'em Mikey boy.

How do you feel about the utter contempt Mr. Bush has shown for your safety? Well, since I disagree that he has shown utter contempt, and would love to see your reasoning behind this, then I don't feel so bad. Come up with a reason for that statement and I'll answer.

Are we safer now than before 9/11? No, the same, maybe slightly better, some security is better than none. But the holes in security due to the open borders seem to negate everything else.

When you look at Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security, a man with little experience in national security, do you feel secure? I always feel secure, pretty much. One would have to work as head of Homeland Security, to gain experience, right? He's fine. I kind of like him. I mean, He was confirmed in this position by the U.S. Senate on February 15, 2005, in a unanimous 98-0 vote.

When men who never served in the military and have never seen young men die in battle send our young people off to war, do you think they know how to conduct a war? Yes. Just because you haven't flown a plane doesn't mean you can't fly in one.

Do you think that cutting federal programs like FEMA and the Army Corps of Engineers has been good or bad for America? Well, no one has cut them Mikey Boy, they still exist. Learn to articulate. I am sure that almost every single federal program out there could do with some budget cutbacks. The problem wasn't FEMA not being there, or prepared it was Blanco's failure to get them there.

Do you believe in Jesus? Yes, he seemed like he might have been a nice guy. Anyone who goes and dies for me is good in my book.

My Republican friends, does it bother you that we are the laughing stock of the world? We sir would never be friends. You make me sick. Laughing stock? I wouldn't know, look in the mirror and ask yourself the same question.

Is it your hope that if they are left alone long enough to soil themselves and shoot themselves and drown in the filth that fills the street that maybe the problem will somehow go away? No, my hope is they stop shooting each other, stop soiling themselves, and stop drowning on the filth of their own making, and make something of themselves. Poverty has been an issue since mankind began. It's nothing new, and until those that suffer from poverty get tired of the suffering, then nothing will ever be done to solve the problem. You don't have to be rich, to be rich.

What do you propose? That people like you would fuck off. No, really, I propose that you stop blaming one man for every problem we face as a nation. That would be like saying you personally, with your bullshit about Kerry losing in November 2004; because that's not true, we all know it was he himself, Hollywood, and a non existent platform that caused that failure.

Mickey Boy, when you donate all your million of dollars to the poverty stricken poor of the world and spearhead a campaign to get rid of all the drug dealers, and crack whores and come up with a real plan to solve these issues, then I'll listen, until then, put down the fucking Big Mac, eat a f-ing carrot and try to make a movie where every other scene isn't spliced and diced to your own liking.

A Mission From God

A line from the Blues Brothers that fits what it is right now.

Chris and Mel at

AnarchAngel

are dealing with an asshole of an ex-husband that wants to take her kids away in what amounts to getting her back.

Read the rest to find out what's up.

If you can, please drop a little into the tip jar, and if you are the type to do so, pray that God gives them the strength and resources to continue to fight for their kids.

Sweet Revenge

I find it funny, considering the fact that at the beginning of the year, the state of Illinois banned smoking in restaurants, bars, and other places of employment.

A German IT firm decided to only hire

smokers

The reason being?

Some non-smokers were threatening to disturb the peace because of the smokers.

I wish there were some companies that would do the same thing.